Random Soccer Thread

[Donny B.]

Stephen Ireland - The Musical

TOM HUMPHRIES

LOCKERROOM: Don’t cry for me in the Aviva, The truth is I never liked you

IT IS almost spring and it has been six weeks since Stephen Ireland reminded the Plain People of Ireland that he is done with Ireland. Among the Plain People of Ireland, a race who can speak of little else but Stephen Ireland, the mood is tentative.

Enter Stephen Ireland, shaking his head slowly. He carries a picture of himself wearing Manchester City gear. He sings . . .

Memory

All alone in the Toon night,

I can smile at the old days,

I was beautiful then.

I remember the time I knew what popular meant,

Let the memory live again.

Daylight

I must wait for the transfer window,

I must think of a new life,

And I mustn’t give in.

When the dawn comes,

Toon will be a memory too,

And my new club will be in

Maybe Barnsley.

(He turns to his audience. The Plain People of Ireland. Visibly, they tremble.)

It won’t be easy, you’ll think it strange,

When I try to explain how I feel.

That I don’t like the ould sod, after all it has done.

You won’t believe me.

All you will see is a boy, laughing at you,

As he drinks his mid-range sparkling rosé wines,

He’s never been to Aldi or Lidl. Have you?

I had to let it happen, because I’m strange.

Couldn’t stay all my life down at City,

Playing in the reserves, being out of the Sun.

So I chose, Pardew,

Running around, trying everything Toon.

But nothing impresses me at all,

I never expected it to.

Don’t cry for me in the Aviva,

The truth is I never liked you,

Turning up on match days.

At your insistence,

I had thin hair,

You kept your distance.

And as for fortune, and as for fame,

I never invited them in.

A nice pink Rolls Royce was all I desired,

And an aquarium too.

They are not the lil fishies they promised to be.

The answer was here all the time,

I don’t like you or Trap-a-ttoni.

Don’t cry for me in the Aviva.

Have I said too much?

There’s nothing more Je peut dire a vous.

But all you have to do, is look at me to know,

That every word is true

(Stage darkens. Man with beret and strings of onions hanging from his neck enters stage right. He has a notebook, a pencil and a book entitled Anglais Pour Idiots. A French journalist. Guillome)

Guillome: Oui, tell me about it stud!

Stephen: I got views,

They’re multiplyin’,

And I’m losin’ control.

’Cause the quotes,

I’m supplyin’,

They’re electrifyin’!

Guillome: I better hurry up,

’cos I leeve en France,

And I’m out to misquote you.

I better type up,

What I didn’t understand.

English is a language I didn’t do.

Stephen: Nothin’ left, nothin’ left to misconstrue.

Both: We have the piece that we want,

We look so intell-eee-juant,

O, o, oo, honey.

Stephen: Les mots you need?

Guillome: Oh, yes indeed.

Guillome: We have talked

Of your defection.

You lost a granny everyday.

Shake your Superman kaks

In my direction.

Let me feel my way.

(Enter white-haired man, stage right. Trapattoni!)

Trap: You better shut up,

’cause I eez the man,

No people else can understand.

You better shut up.

Stephen: Ha, you need a man,

To keep your forwards supplied.

But I gave it up,

And I’m gonna prove,

Trap: You gonna prove?

Stephen: That my love for me is justified.

Trap: Are you sure?

Stephen: Yes, I’m sure down deep inside,

I’m the one that I want.

I’m the one for me-e-e-eeee.

I won’t live in Cork,

It’s the econ-o-meee-eee-eeeee.

Deep down I know,

I’m real shallow.

My heart bleeds,

Oh, yes indeed.

Repeat Chorus 2x

Stephen and Trap dance and sing slowly.

Aren’t we rich?

Are we a pair?

Talking about Ireland,

We don’t live there.

Send in the clowns.

Isn’t it bliss?

Don’t you approve?

One who gets transferred around,

One who can’t move.

Where are the clowns?

Send in the clowns.

(Stage darkens. Leaves blow across a concrete tundra. Fat men, shivering but wearing no tops, pass by. The letters on their chests spell out N-E-W-C-T-L-E. Enter Stephen. He has aged.)

Just a perfect day,

On the bench at James Park,

And then later, when it got dark,

I went home.

Just a perfect day,

Had canapes with Lambrusco,

Bought a hat, a cravat, too,

And then home.

Oh, it’s such a perfect day,

I’m more English than you.

Oh such a perfect day,

I just keep banging on,

You just keep me banging on.

Just a perfect day,

Problems with your bailout loan!

My cash is all my own.

It’s such fun.

Just a perfect day,

Played Fifa 2011 all by myself.

In HD, I pretended I was someone else,

Someone good.

It’s such a perfect day,

Being misquoted on Houllier,

Not playing in any first teams,

Birmingham having no museums.

I just keep on banging on,

I just keep on banging on.

You’re going to reap just what you sow.

Cork, I told you that ages ago.

You’re going to reap just what you sow,

You’re going to reap just what you sow . . .

[nelly the elephant]

I know he's anti-rugby but as I've said many times before on here...the man's a genius.

[Logorrhea]

Arsenal have just been spanked at Barca tonight. Whinge all they like about the sending off but the facts are they didnt have one attempt on goal all night. I struggle to watch football sometimes as it gets a bit dull too quickly, but these guys are a pleasure to watch.

If Spurs make it through against AC (still a massive if) I'd love to be drawn against them. We'd get spanked but would be great to see in a masochistic kinda way.

[Avenger]

Barcelona were brilliant but it's hard not to have some sympathy for Arsenal. Don't think it would have changed the result but the van Persie sending off was a farce. He controlled and shot instantly. FIFA/UEFA need to look into that stupid rule.

For all Barca's dominance - over the two legs they must have dominated 85% of it - they only won it by a goal and Bentner had a glorious chance to win it with 4 minutes to go. His 100% confidence let him down there. I reckon a fit van Persie would have scored that.

I'd expect Spurs to go through tonight. Hope they do anyway. Start Crouch - the Italians can't seem to handle him at all.

[Logorrhea]

Ahhh a month ago I'd agree with you but we are running out of steam, and our players arent coming back soon enough.

Will be a tough game. I certainly dont see us keeping a clean sheet (anytime in the next two years) so I reckin we'll have to score 2 to qualify.

[Avenger]

Will be a tough game. I certainly dont see us keeping a clean sheet (anytime in the next two years) so I reckin we'll have to score 2 to qualify.

Aren't Spurs winning 1-0.
I reckon Spurs will score meaning Milan will have to score 2. If Spurs score first. Its over.

[Broken Wing]

Mate of mine is an AC season ticket holder. I was talking to him last night and he was of the opinion that if AC don't score very, very early on they'll collapse. He doesn't expect them to go through at all.

[Peg Leg]

Mate of mine is an AC season ticket holder. I was talking to him last night and he was of the opinion that if AC don't score very, very early on they'll collapse. He doesn't expect them to go through at all.

Isn't that true of every Italian?

[Logorrhea]

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE Q/F DRAW

Real Madrid v TOTTENHAM
CHELSEA v MAN UTD
Barcelona v Shakhtar Donetsk
Inter Milan v Schalke 04
Ties to be played on 5/6 and 12/13 April.

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE S/F DRAW
Inter Milan/Schalke 04 v CHELSEA/MAN UTD
Real Madrid/TOTTENHAM v Barcelona/Shakhtar Donetsk

Brilliant draw for Spurs. Was hoping we'd get Madrid and we did. DOnt think we'll win but this is what its all about.

[Dexter]

Thought i might watch a bit of Real Vs Spurs last night. Turned it on, 5 mins into the game, Real 1 nil up... a few mins later Crouch gets a red card after 2 silly tackles... game over, telly off.
Same thing happened recently when I tried to watch Barca Vs Gooners, when Van Persie got sent off for allegedly kicking the ball away... game over, finished watching the match after about 5 mins.
That's the problem with soccer now, it's so easy to get sent off, game is ruined and neutrals lose interest.

[Avenger]

That's the problem with soccer now, it's so easy to get sent off, game is ruined and neutrals lose interest.

The Van Persie sending off was a farce. Crouch has no one to blame but himself. Both tackles were worthy of a yellow card.

[Logorrhea]

They were two bookings alright, cant complain about the sending off, two stupid, pointless tackles to make.

As a spurs fan I cant complain about the result, thought we got what we deserved. We were missing too many of our key players (Lennon, Pienaar, Krancjar, Hutton and Kaboul on the right side alone) but that doesnt excuse how disorganised we looked, especially late on. Real didnt have to get out of 2nd gear.

A shame really but we can still try to win the second leg and have a decent night out. Been a great season for us overall, shame how it seems to be ending a little flat.

[Peg Leg]

They were two bookings alright, cant complain about the sending off, two stupid, pointless tackles to make.

As a spurs fan I cant complain about the result, thought we got what we deserved. We were missing too many of our key players (Lennon, Pienaar, Krancjar, Hutton and Kaboul on the right side alone) but that doesnt excuse how disorganised we looked, especially late on. Real didnt have to get out of 2nd gear.

A shame really but we can still try to win the second leg and have a decent night out. Been a great season for us overall, shame how it seems to be ending a little flat.

What happened there?

[Logorrhea]

He was down with some virus me thinks and pulled out last minute. Dont think its a story really, just happens.

[Dexter]

That's the problem with soccer now, it's so easy to get sent off, game is ruined and neutrals lose interest.

The Van Persie sending off was a farce. Crouch has no one to blame but himself. Both tackles were worthy of a yellow card.

Yeah I wouldn't disagree about that, in the modern game. I wasn't trying to say the cards were harsh, more that it seems a lot more players get sent off these days, compared to say 10,15, 20 years ago - even though todays players are a bunch of girls compared to the "good ole days" (sorry ladies). Would be interesting to see any stats.
I happen to think red cards ruin a game, especially when it happens to the away team, the inferior team, or both.

[Avenger]

That's the problem with soccer now, it's so easy to get sent off, game is ruined and neutrals lose interest.

The Van Persie sending off was a farce. Crouch has no one to blame but himself. Both tackles were worthy of a yellow card.

Yeah I wouldn't disagree about that, in the modern game. I wasn't trying to say the cards were harsh, more that it seems a lot more players get sent off these days, compared to say 10,15, 20 years ago - even though todays players are a bunch of girls compared to the "good ole days" (sorry ladies). Would be interesting to see any stats.
I happen to think red cards ruin a game, especially when it happens to the away team, the inferior team, or both.

I think they had to do something. You could get away with cutting a lad in half back in the 70s and 80s. Attacking/flair players always got heavy treatment so they had to protect these players. Maradona used to play with shin guards on his shin and his calf as he used to get kicked so much.
So some of the stuff they have outlawed has improved the game. I certainly wouldn't like to go back to the days of defenders kicking attackers every opportunity they get knowing that there was nothing more than a free kick at stake.

[Dexter]

I think they had to do something. You could get away with cutting a lad in half back in the 70s and 80s. Attacking/flair players always got heavy treatment so they had to protect these players. Maradona used to play with shin guards on his shin and his calf as he used to get kicked so much.
So some of the stuff they have outlawed has improved the game. I certainly wouldn't like to go back to the days of defenders kicking attackers every opportunity they get knowing that there was nothing more than a free kick at stake.

Again I agree to an extent, was thinking that after I posted. A skillful player was unmercifully targeted and pretty much ended up black and blue after every game. However, I think it sometimes goes too far now and a way of protecting skillful players without having a huge amount of red cards would be ideal.
Not sure how you would do it though.. before you ask!

[ronk]

I think they had to do something. You could get away with cutting a lad in half back in the 70s and 80s. Attacking/flair players always got heavy treatment so they had to protect these players. Maradona used to play with shin guards on his shin and his calf as he used to get kicked so much.
So some of the stuff they have outlawed has improved the game. I certainly wouldn't like to go back to the days of defenders kicking attackers every opportunity they get knowing that there was nothing more than a free kick at stake.

Again I agree to an extent, was thinking that after I posted. A skillful player was unmercifully targeted and pretty much ended up black and blue after every game. However, I think it sometimes goes too far now and a way of protecting skillful players without having a huge amount of red cards would be ideal.
Not sure how you would do it though.. before you ask!

Temporary suspensions, like yellow cards in rugby. Would need to be combined with retroactive punishments for diving and a little more slack for mistimed tackles.

[Avenger]

I think they had to do something. You could get away with cutting a lad in half back in the 70s and 80s. Attacking/flair players always got heavy treatment so they had to protect these players. Maradona used to play with shin guards on his shin and his calf as he used to get kicked so much.
So some of the stuff they have outlawed has improved the game. I certainly wouldn't like to go back to the days of defenders kicking attackers every opportunity they get knowing that there was nothing more than a free kick at stake.

Again I agree to an extent, was thinking that after I posted. A skillful player was unmercifully targeted and pretty much ended up black and blue after every game. However, I think it sometimes goes too far now and a way of protecting skillful players without having a huge amount of red cards would be ideal.
Not sure how you would do it though.. before you ask!

I think they need to start sending lads off for feigning injury or something like that. The problem is how do you decide who is feigning and who is actually hurt? And some of these guys move very fast so it can be hard to see if there was any contact or not. Could be that we just have to live with it. Pity there aren't more lads like Messi who gets up and tries to play on if fouled if he thinks there is still a chance of something happening.

[Avenger]

Temporary suspensions, like yellow cards in rugby. Would need to be combined with retroactive punishments for diving and a little more slack for mistimed tackles.

This is something I completely agree with. If there's a slightly mistimed tackle where a player is clearly attempting to play the ball then it is very harsh to be carded in that case. As long as the player isn't diving in then I'd be happy enough with just a free kick.