2018 6Ns - Time for a another SCRAPPY performance

[Oldschool]

Phone rings.

Bon Sure Show.
Ca va Seemonne.
Tres bon Show.
Et vous.
Tres tres bon Seemonne.
(Now that the pleasantries are out of the way normal service resumes.)
Cad ta ort Simon?
Cad e Joe?
Sorry Simon got my languages crossed there.
What can I do for you Simon.
Well Joe, as I'm sure you've heard I'm on my way to Racing next season.
Hadn't heard that Simon.
But what about your press releases and TV interviews, Joe.
Stunt double and press officer I imagine Simon.
I'm way too busy for any of that stuff and I ignore most of it tbh.
Anyway Simon, I have to go, could you ring me back after the 6Ns, something urgent has cropped up.

[Oldschool]

Mirror shines.
Evening Joe.
Evening Mirror, haven't seen you for a while, where have you been.
I was on a little sojourn down Munster way bringing myself up to date.
That must have been painf... er I mean interesting Mirror.
Where are you going Joe.
Out of my mind Mirror, that was as scrappy a performance against France as the lads have ever put together since I started coaching them.
Yeah Joe it was a bit juvenile alright.
Time to crack the whip Joe, face reality and throw a couple of them on the scrap heap.
Who had they got in mind, Mirror.
Well the Munster lads reckon you need to drop some of your ladyboys and get some real red blooded men in.
Who specifically did they mention.
Well Furlong, Leavy, Toner, Henshaw and anyone else you want.
Did they say who they'd bring in?
Yeah Hayes for Furlong, that one's a no brainer as far as they're concerned.
Mick O'Driscoll can still run a lineout better than any SR in Ireland.
They reckon, Joe, that if you make those changes you'll definitely have the element of surprise.

[Oldschool]

@The Donald - Hi @IrishRugby I see you guys have finally copped onto the fake news gang covering your amazing sport.
@Irishrugby - No Comment.
@The Donald - Hi @IrishRugby I think you guys are doing an amazing, amazing job. Your guy Schmidt he's an amazing coach, simply amazing.
@IrishRugby - No Comment.
@The Donald - Hi @IrishRugby I know I'm repeating myself but before I go, I just want to say you've been amazing, truly amazing. Isn't that right folks?
@IrishRugby - Hi @The Donald

[Oldschool]

Phone Rings
(Jeese I hope it's not that f^ckin' mirror again)
Hello Joe, how's tricks?
Hello Mirror, make it quick, I've a big game coming up on Saturday.
About that Joe, a lot of the punters are saying that Gattie's a better motivator than you.
Well Mirror, that's because they're right.

[Oldschool]

Phone Rings
(Jeese I hope it's not that f^ckin' mirror again)
Hello Joe, how's tricks?
Hello Mirror, make it quick, I've a big game coming up on Saturday.
About that Joe, a lot of the punters are saying that Gattie's a better motivator than you.
Well Mirror, that's because they're right.

Phone rings.
Hello Mirror.
Gattie bought it Joe.
He wasn't the only one Mirror.
Yeah Joe I know, like as if Gattie's better than you at anything.

[Oldschool]

Joe are you superstitious?
No Mirror don't believe in that sort of stuff.
Well Joe, don't mean to snow on your parade but our match against Scotland falls 5 days before the ides of March.
The ides of March, Mirror, what's that got to do with rugby.
Caesar thought he was invincible but Brutus still managed to fatally breach his defences.
Yeah Mirror but you're talking about Italians.
I know Joe, but they still managed three stab wounds on your lads.
"Beware the Ides of March"

[Oldschool]

Phone ringing.
Gud dye mate, THE Eddie Jones speaking.
Gud.., er hello Mr Jones, I'm the Mirror.
Pleased to meet yah cobber. What can I do for you?
Well Eddie, you don't mind if I call you Eddie do you?
I've been called a lot worse mate.
I was wondering Eddie what do expect from from your players this weekend?
What I'd expect from from your typical bunch of Poms mate, but don't quote me.
Ok Eddie, nice talking to you.

Phone rings.
Hello Gerry I've got a an exclusive for you.
Here's your headline for starters.
"Eddie Jones says his players are a useless bunch of Poms"

[Oldschool]

Phone rings.
Could I speak to George Hook please?
Who may I ask is speaking?
Eddie Jones
Sorry for your loss Eddie, although I have to say it was an astonishing performance by Ireland.
Yes well the less said.....
Anyway Eddie, I'm sure you don't want to listen to me prattling on, what can I do for you.
Well George I think I may have lost the dressing room.
I believe you're the expert on this subject and I was wondering if you could give me some advice.
(In the background the sound of repressed and a voice saying, what did he say Joe, what did he say?)